I really don’t know how to begin then again do any of us? All we know is that what has happened to our loved ones is wrong. My husband Paul of 25 years got sick on September 2nd 2021. I called our primary care doctor and the next morning we went to get tested for Covid 19. I thought we were going to get the rapid test but they ran out. So we got the other test instead. In the meantime while we were home his daughter was concerned so she had our granddaughter put an at home test in our mailbox. I did Paul’s first. After 3 mins his came back positive. We waited and did mine two hours later and mine was negative.

During the time period over the weekend I tried to isolate us so I wouldn’t become sick. Then that Monday September 6th Paul slept in because he really began to feel awful. He was running a small fever and I proceeded to give him tylenol because everyone said no ibuprofen. Later that evening about 530pm he started with chills so I got him into some warm clothes. I asked him what he wanted for dinner and he said grilled ham and cheese with tomato soup. While he was sitting down eating he seemed like he was disorientated. He said “Honey, I can’t eat this second bowl of soup”.

I told him it was only his first. I called his daughter and told her that her Dad didn’t seem right. She said she was going to call 911. My husband yelled and said no. In the meantime, he tried to get up from the chair and couldn’t stand up so I guided him to the kitchen floor so he wouldn’t fall. I had him on the floor with a blanket on him and also behind his head. A family member showed up first before the EMTs.  When the EMT showed up he was running a temp of 102.5 which would explain the confusion. They told us it would be a four hour wait for an ambulance. We decided to take him ourselves to Houston Medical Center since our granddaughter worked there.

I brought him into the ER at which time I was told by my granddaughter I had to leave because of Covid. I cried as I left the ER because I didn’t want to leave him by himself. We waited in the parking lot while they were running some test on him. They said he didn’t have a stroke but they were going to run further tests. During the night he kept calling me from his cell phone. A nurse in the background kept telling him I was home when he thought I was outside in the car waiting for him and he kept telling her she was lying. He kept telling me he was hungry and wanted some food.

I called his two daughters to let them know what was going on. That early morning we went to the hospital and got him outside. I brought him food so he could eat. In the meantime I called our primary care doctor and they said yes he was positive and I was negative for Covid19. In the meantime his cell had no bars so I asked the woman in the outside tent if I could charge it. She let me. A nurse a while later came outside and called his name. He was still confused when he went back inside. I told him I loved him very much and he said the same and asked me to come in with him. I told him I couldn’t but that everything would be fine. I took a vow for better or worse.

Never in my mind did I ever think this would be the last time I would ever see him. I feel like I’m the one who got him killed, I ended his life by bringing him to the ER. I so want my husband back and I know that will never happen. The hospital had him in the ER from September 6th to September 8th 2021. They didn’t even admit him until the night of September 8th. Really sickening that he waited that long in the ER. They admitted him according to his medical records for Covid pneumonia, SOB and Hypoxemia. During the time he was in the hospital I couldn’t get a single doctor to even call me. I kept telling the nurses that I knew they were our eyes and ears because we couldn’t be with him.

When I talked him he would sound great one minute and then the next short of breath and tired. We’d keep our conversations short just so he could rest. Tuesday on the 7th of September 2021 I tested positive for Covid. I took an at home test. I was running a fever of 101.9 and had severe chills. I got up in the middle of the night to put the heat on and winter pajamas and an extra blanket. I asked his kids not to tell him I was sick. I know he was worried about me getting Covid. I also know he had high blood pressure and didn’t want him to worry. I had a close family member who was dropping off Gatorade at the entrance of the hospital for him to have. This is so difficult to write all I’m doing right now is reliving all this again.

I’m 18 months into this. I waited because I had to go into survival mode to get everything taken care of. One minute I’d talk with him and the nurse in the back round is telling me he’s going to be discharged and then the next minute not. I had one nurse that was irritated because he was taking off his O2. He was right by the nurses station. I asked her if she walked by if she could just pop her head in and check on him. She told me she didn’t have time because she had so many patients. I had so many nurses that were rude, hung up on me, told me they were busy taking their breaks and that they would call back. Never happened. I remember him having a respiratory therapist in his room when I was talking with him at one point.

Paul told me it made him feel better having someone tapping on his back to loosen up things in his lungs. Funny he went in with mild pneumonia in one lung to suddenly both being bad. I received a phone call on the 12th around 4 in the morning. I was told they were rushing him to ICU and that he was restrained. The nurse that called me was angry because he kicked her in the stomach. Seriously, how in the hell would you feel if someone was tying you up and you couldn’t move. I can’t even tell you that I know prior to this when I found out about the Remdesifir I specifically told them I didn’t want him on it and to take him off. His medical records are all messed up by dates I can’t even figure most of it out and I have a medical background.

While  he was going to ICU the nurse let me talk to him quickly. I told him I wasn’t the one who had him restrained. Told him that I loved him and he said the same to me. That was the last time I spoke with him. I got a call back a few minutes later with a nurse telling me that he coded once. I called his daughters who were in Florida  at the time coming home. I was told he was ventilated and at this time he was comfortable as far I knew. The next day which was September 13th 2021.

From this point on everything else started to become confusing. Please don’t forget at this time I was also still sick and by myself during this time period. I remember that his daughters, granddaughter and another family member were with him at the hospital with the Pulmonary doctor. There was too much static in the phone so I was told I’d get a call back. Two nurses called me back regarding the DNR. I told them that I needed to call his kids to make this a family decision. Once I got everyone’s decision I called back and consented to the DNR. His two daughters stopped by my house and stood outside by the car to see how I was doing.

In the meantime I received a call from the Nephrologist (kidney doctor) telling me that Paul’s kidneys were shutting down as well as his other organs and that he wasn’t going to make it. I did have a family member on the phone with me at this time. I then had to tell his two daughter who were standing in the driveway to get back to the hospital because their father was dying. His daughters told me to get into the car and I had my mask on because of Covid. I was 6 days out from being tested positive with Covid and felt fine. At this time they state that Covid people only need 5 day isolation instead of 14 days. I went to the hospital knowing this would be the last time I’d ever see my husband. His daughters felt that if I didn’t do this I would feel guilty for the rest of my life.

Little did they know I already felt guilty bringing him to the hospital and having him killed by hospital f-ing protocols. When I saw him I couldn’t believe how he looked and was practically uncovered. What is wrong with these so called professional hospital people who take an oath to help people? Just because he’s not conscious to say cover me doesn’t give them the right to treat him with disrespect. The nurse handed his daughter his belongings after 5 minutes and we were told we had to leave. I didn’t want to but was following the rules and regulations. When I got home I couldn’t get out of the car. I started hyperventilating knowing that my husband wouldn’t be home.

That night I let my husband’s son and family members do facetime because they were out of state. I was on the phone with a nurse who told me she had to go and get Rapid Response because he was dying. Which we didn’t understand if he had a DNR. No one called me back from the hospital to tell me that he passed away. I kept calling back to get the nurse to see what was going on. No one was getting back to me. It was quite some time before I received a phone call and it was his friend who told me he passed away. I literally collapsed on my kitchen floor in disbelief.

I didn’t hear back from the hospital for at least an hour or better. The nurse told me he passed away. She also told me she would have a social worker call me which never even happened.  Two or three days later I received a call from the billing department asking who I was and if I had an attorney or any assets regarding my husband. This is so inhumane. How can people in the medical profession, our government, our society do this to people who are human beings? Call it what you want but its euthanizing human beings. Our loved ones didn’t deserve any of this. I could keep going on and on but all of you who are going through the same emotions as myself know exactly what the truth is. This is the best that I can do right now because it’s bringing me back to that day.